A while ago I wrote about the real estate industry’s penchant for overused words in home descriptions, typically written by someone who is too busy selling houses to crack open a thesaurus. Recently I was going through listings and saw three in a row that started with the word “beautiful,” which is enough to make me crazy so for my own catharsis, I’m revisiting this topic. Consider this a glossary (in random order, deal with it) of terms you’ll encounter often if you’re spending way too much time on Zillow.
Desirable: Neighborhoods are often described as “desirable” or “highly-desirable.” This means it’s better than average, in the amorphous, indescribable way that slightly less than half of all things are better than average. There’s no science behind it, nobody did a poll of likely home buyers who decided that neighborhood A is desirable while neighborhood B is not. It’s roughly analogous to describing a neighborhood as “good,” whatever that means to you.
Sought-After: Another common neighborhood description. Technically, any neighborhood in which a house has ever sold was sought after by someone. It’s a pretty generic way to tell someone they’ll want to live there without running afoul of any fair housing laws.
Coveted: Going even further, occasionally a neighborhood is “coveted” or even (calm yourself) “highly-coveted.” To covet something is pretty strong. Biblical, even. There’s a great amount of yearning there, so when I imagine that something is “highly-coveted” it makes me think of this guy:
He knows from coveting.
The opposite of a desirable, sought-after, highly-coveted area is an “up-and-coming neighborhood.” Lock your car.
Open Concept or Great Room: These are fancy ways of saying there’s no wall between the kitchen and the family room. Many a moon ago, kitchens were designed with the work triangle in mind:
The chef could reach all three points with minimal extraneous movement. Pretty smart! But it resulted in kitchens that looked like this:
Now if you’ve ever watched a Chip and Joanna or any other home improvement show, you’ll know that those cabinets on the left are about to meet a sledgehammer. With those gone and the counter turned into an island, boom you’ve got yourself a great room.
Non-Conforming: Say you have a three-bedroom house, with a den. People like dens, particularly when they smell of rich mahogany and have one of those globes that opens up to be a bar. A place to pour whiskey and make hush-hush deals with titans of industry. Perhaps instead you have one more kid than you have bedrooms and would prefer to house them here. You’re free to, but if the den doesn’t have a closet or a window that a firefighter can fit through, you’ll have to call it a non-conforming bedroom when you go to sell your house. What this tag allows is a bit of subterfuge. The listing might say four bedrooms- so those setting their filters for four bedrooms will see it- only to find the phrase “fourth bedroom may be non-conforming” down there in the description. Sneaky.
Updated Kitchen: Due to the subjectiveness of the word “update” along with the laws of time, this can get vague in a hurry. I’ve seen “updated” kitchens with brown granite counters, which nobody has installed in their kitchen since 2005. So OK, those counters aren’t original, they have been updated. During the Clinton administration.
Now if the kitchen is described as “dialed in,” go ahead and assume it looks like something you’d see in a model home from this decade. Like all trends it might be dialed out in a couple years, but you’re good for now.
I still don’t know what “dialed in” means, but I know what it means.
Conveniently Located: If the home is within a five mile radius of any or all of the following:
- Downtown (any city)
- Target/Fred Meyer/Home Depot/Trader Joe’s
- “Restaurants”
- A major university
- A major employer
- The freeway
It is conveniently located. Congratulations!
Close to Transit: This is a cousin of “conveniently located.” You will be a short or long walk from a bus stop, train station, airport, heliport, ferry landing, space shuttle launchpad, or major freeway.
Starter Home: You don’t see this one too often, as it limits the market for a house and at least in my view, can be perceived as pejorative. Personally I don’t think there’s any such thing as a starter home as it implies a home’s impermanence. Give the house a chance, someone might want to stay in it forever! One person’s starter home could be someone else’s finisher home, so let’s not judge:
Sweat Equity: Whoever came up with this term should get a spot bonus, since it shows up everywhere. What it means: the house needs work, and should you choose to accept the sweaty labor for yourself rather than outsource it, you will receive the value created by said sweat. In this equation sweat is an alternative to money and both sweat and money produce some amount of equity, which can be measured in resale value, quality of life, or self-satisfaction. You can only buy the first two of those things.
Investor Opportunity: If the house is described as an investor opportunity or investor special, or just includes the word “investor” in there anywhere, it’s not a house you, regular home buyer, are ever going to live in. There might be tenants in it, it could be a major fixer (and a side note: if the listing actually says “major fixer,” expect that it might literally be a pile of smoldering rubble), or a garden variety flipper. Chances are it will require a cash purchase as few lenders would deem it to be worthy collateral. They don’t want your mess.
Cute/Cozy/Adorable: In housing, these mean small. None of these words should ever be used to describe a house, even one that is cute, cozy, or adorable. You’re narrowing your market to people who want to live in a hobbit house.
Charming: Old.
Old World Charm: Reeeeeeeaaaaaalllllllly old.
Light & Bright: I’m sure at some point in my life I’ve seen these words on a cocktail menu to describe an Aperol Spritz. It shows up often enough in home listings that’s it’s basically a verbal tic, in that it was included without any real conscious thought as to why.
Entertainer’s Dream: The range on this one goes from deck with some patio chairs up to Playboy Mansion. If you have a house that I would consider an entertainer’s dream- namely one with a pool, a nice bar, maybe some vintage arcade games- please invite me over. I’ll bring a cheese platter.
Low Maintenance: Did you want a yard? This ain’t your place.
Boasts: The house boasts a media room. The kitchen boasts a new gas range. The master bedroom boasts a view of Mt. Hood.
“Boasts” is not a synonym for “has.”
Unicorn: You have found it. Believe your eyes. This is your Xanadu. A half-acre, perfectly manicured lot with a single-level 3000 sq. ft. home that was built last week free of all construction defects and is surrounded by mature trees, friendly neighbors, has a view of four mountains and two rivers, and there’s a Trader Joe’s down the street. Also, a sport court.
This house comes up about as often as a Wonka golden ticket, but it is at the top of every buyer’s wish list for the first three weeks of their home search. I’ve used “unicorn” in a description once, and you better damn well believe the house earned it.
Many Realtors I know would tell you that writing the descriptions is one of their least-favorite tasks. Myself included. Also, I don’t believe they get read all that often- people just glance over them like any other marketing copy. Still, writing a good one is an art, and should be appreciated. And sought-after.
