I’m not a coffee snob. OK, I’m a bit of a coffee snob. But I’m not the guy who is sniffing the beans or cares about the subtle notes of anything, and I certainly don’t need that coffee that monkeys, um, drop out. I also don’t care how many origins the beans have, nor how fair the trade was, whatever that means. I do drink a lot of it and have my minimum standards, and have gone through my french press phase, Chemex phase, and Aeropress phase. Mr. Coffee makes my coffee now, and let me tell you that man is a professional. All I really want in life is a damn fine cup of coffee, wherever it comes from. This guy gets it:
Twin Peaks, the weird show and terrible movie, spent a bunch of time talking about coffee since it was set in the Pacific Northwest, and people up here love their coffee. There are plenty of good local companies roasting beans, and lately I’ve been partial to Portland Coffee Roasters since it’s decent and they sell it at Costco. But that’s for me and Mr. Coffee. What about when I’m out? Well, that’s why we’re here today.
For the sake of this post, let’s assume I’m never getting out of the car to get a real cup of coffee from an actual good coffee place. Lucky for me, there are drive-thru coffee stands in repurposed Fotomats all over the place. The most visible of the bunch is Dutch Bros, and they are everywhere. For those who are new to their game, here’s a primer:
- They started in Grants Pass in 1992 and now have around 500 outlets in 11 states.
- They went public last September with the stock ticker BROS, and have plans to conquer the world.
- Although it was founded by two brothers of Dutch ancestry, the “Bros” in the name is apparently not short for brothers, it’s just bros, because it’s the kind of place a guy who says “bro” a lot would think is cool. The “ther” is silent.
- They call their employees “Broistas,” which makes me feel sad for them. I will pronounce it broy-sta as a form of rebellion.
- They don’t serve coffee.
They don’t serve coffee. Repeated for emphasis. They serve any number of espresso-based drinks, but if you want just, you know, plain old brewed drip COFFEE, like it says in their name, they don’t have it. You’re getting Americano. That’s espresso plus hot water, and it’s a poor substitute.
The first time I visited a Dutch Bros, I asked for an iced coffee. The broista didn’t quite know what to do with that request, which is a bit like walking into Home Depot and getting a weird look after asking where the light bulbs are. Wait that’s a bad analogy, nobody knows where anything is at Home Depot. Anyway, I ended up with that thing above, but with hot water and espresso poured over the ice. Now I don’t have a PhD in chemistry but I do know what happens when you pour hot liquid over ice. Anyway, strike one (of many) for Dutch Bros.
What they do serve has names like Caramelizer, or 9-1-1, or Double Torture. Those are all on their Dutch Classics menu. Nothing says classic like an Annihilator! Everything on this menu is available hot, iced, or blended. I assume that at some point they just said “yeah f*** it, let’s blend it too” and voila, every drink is now available frozen. I guess it’s easy enough when one of the three ingredients in everything you serve is syrup, and when they’re not devoting any counter space to a drip coffee maker. Do you like Irish cream? Get the Kicker. Coconut? That would be the Cocomo. Macadamia? The Annihilator is for you. Everything on their menu sounds like an American Gladiator.
I tried both the Cocomo and the Annihilator. The Cocomo is for those who are loco for coconut (their words), and you know what? I am loco for coconut. Love it. I would eat coconut shrimp for appetizer and entree, then have coconut cream pie for dessert.
I detected little to no coconut in the Cocomo. What I did detect was sugar. Notes of sugar on the palate, body of sugar, and a sugary finish. More sugar than a four-pound bag of sugar. Enough sugar to raise Wilford Brimley from the dead and give him the diabeetus all over again. Dare I say, too much sugar. I had to come home and look up exactly how much damage I was doing to myself:
The FDA recommended daily allowance of sugar is 50 grams. A large blended Cocomo is 137 grams, which doctors say will make your liver cry. Good thing I ordered the small size.
The next time there I was feeling nutty and maybe chocolatey so I ordered an Annihilator:
Several of their drinks have that word breve in the name, which I had to look up since I didn’t go to Broista school. It’s steamed half-and-half. If you go to a real coffee place and get a latte you get steamed milk but that’s not nearly enough fat for Dutch Bros, so they added fat to their fat.
Anyway, the Annihilator tasted exactly the same as the Cocomo. So……
Now here’s a thunker for you. Which one of the two beverages below is a cold brew?
If you answered both, go treat yourself to some Starbucks. The iced drink on the left is a nitro cold brew, which at least wasn’t bad, although it wasn’t actually good either. The hot drink on the right is a white mocha cold brew, “toasted.” I should have known better than to go to a place that serves a hot cold brew but not hot coffee. Apparently they steam the cold brew- which is a real thing that others do, they didn’t come up with it while in a Double Rainbro Rebel-induced haze- but in this drink it was pointless. Once you add as much white chocolate sauce and chocolate milk as they do to this it’s just going to taste like chocolate, so for all I know they could have combined it with hot Gatorade.
Beyond their coffee-ish drinks there’s a whole menu of teas, lemonades, smoothies, shakes, and an energy drink featuring all the flavors of a bag of Skittles. Their commitment to making a drink out of every bottle of Torani syrup is impressive. I didn’t get around to trying any of these. I can only do so much.
So Dutch Bros, the Mountain Dew of coffee, isn’t for me. It’s for people who want coffee but don’t like coffee. There are alternatives- places like The Human Bean, which has a name I can’t quite make sense of but does at least serve decent brewed coffee- and a handful of other unremarkable mini-chains. And Starbucks, so many Starbuckses. I’ll still go there, I’m not that much of a snob.
you nailed it!! This is hysterical and true!!!