What the Hell Are You Talking About

There’s an old saying in marketing that half of all marketing works, but nobody knows which half. That’s likely an outdated metric, what with the new army of data scientists and algorithms that didn’t used to exist, but there are still plenty of places where art is called for more than science. Take for example movie advertising, my old bailiwick. When deciding what tagline to put on a poster, or which review quotes to include in an ad, it’s mostly hunch. Sure, you can run it by 12 bored people in a focus group who are supposed to represent the opinions of 350 million, but is that any better than throwing a dart at a board? No, it is not. It’s worse.

Writing descriptions for real estate listings is largely the same. An industry professional (hi!) relies on their knowledge and expertise to craft a message that they believe will effectively market the property to the largest amount of potential buyers and their agents. Whether this works or not is another story, because in the end you don’t really know if your glorious wordsmithing contributed to the sale or not. All you know is that it likely didn’t hurt, and therefore it was worth it. “Because we did it that way last time” is a marketing strategy I’m quite familiar with from my movie days.

Which leads us to today’s class. As I’m reading these real estate descriptions all day every day, I’ve come to notice that they often keep on saying the same things over and over. Also, the penchant for hyperbole is no less in this business, nor for euphemisms. The good ones, just like the quote selection for movie ads that I used to build, tell a story. They flow. They just feel right when you read them, and you can’t place exactly why. Advertising feng shui.

Yes, it can be tough coming up with new adjectives, unless somehow you happen to have access to a free online thesaurus. Plenty of houses can somewhat objectively be described as “gorgeous” or “stunning,” but overuse of those common words sucks the power out of them. Also, in this day and age of color photography, it’s important to not let your words write checks that your pictures can’t cash. Exhibit A:

“Nestled in a sought-after neighborhood in xxx resides a very Stunning and NEWLY remodeled home with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a gorgeous backyard.”

It seems to be a fine house, but I’m only going to be very Stunned if I get too close to those power lines.

Then again, if this is the house:

“Stunning ocean front home like no other.“

I can forgive the questionable grammar and minor hyperbole.

In Los Angeles County right now, there are 6,048 single-family homes for sale. Of those, 807 are described in some way as “gorgeous,” 690 have “stunning” in the description, and 550 say “amazing.” 34 of them pull off the hat trick and include all three. Here’s one of those:

Gorgeous, stunning, and amazing might need a bit of a breather, and it can be done. For example:

“One-story mid-century home offers total privacy in xxx’s best neighborhood just 3/4 mile from xxx. The home is designed for entertaining. The living room, master bedroom, dining room and kitchen all open onto a covered patio with sparkling oval blue pool and spa surrounded by lush plantings of bougainvillea. The gourmet cook’s kitchen has granite counters, double ovens, a six-burner gas cook top, microwave and two dishwashers. The eating area in the kitchen overlooks the pool and bar-b-q area. Each bedroom has a private bath with spacious showers. 3rd bedroom has custom built ins. This is a perfect “at home office”. There is an attached two-car garage. A true find!“

Now that’s a well-crafted description. Start broadly with some of the basics that people want (single-story, mid-century design, don’t have to see the neighbors, great neighborhood, having people over to show it off to). Move to the layout and exterior (view of the pool and gardening from multiple rooms), then go inside for nuts and bolts (two dishwashers!), but in a method that accentuates the way people visualize themselves living their ideal lives (note that it’s mostly about the kitchen and bathrooms, because that’s what people care about these days). There’s something to suggest a very topical use for it (work from home), and what I would consider unnecessary filler (the two-car garage) but others might not. End with an exclamation that doesn’t make you roll your eyes. It flows.

The writer of that description made a good choice using distance from a destination rather than the typical “minutes from” something. Everything is minutes from some destination, if you’ve got the time. Here on the west side of Portland, everything is “minutes from Nike, Intel, etc.” Accurate. Also, vague and unnecessary. It’s unlikely that the highly-educated workers for these companies haven’t discovered Google Maps yet. “3/4 mile from X” is much more useful and grounds the house to a specific, familiar place.

What does that description not have? Gorgeous, stunning, or amazing. The photos tell that story instead. I remember a creative writing teacher back in high school who would implore us to “show, not tell,” and that’s great advice for those in marketing.

The description also doesn’t describe the neighborhood as “sought-after” (because people don’t need to be told what other people are seeking), or “coveted” or “desirable” (more words that tell you what other, possibly fictional people think). It’s another example of showing rather than telling. People don’t like to be told what to think, they want to think what they think and believe the lie that nobody told them to think that way.

Another word getting thrown around quite often and quite loosely these days is “architectural.” In real estate descriptions, it seems to signify that the house possesses some indefinable aesthetic that is in contrast to a typical cookie-cutter house, but often it’s just thrown in there to sound fancy. Architectural details, architectural accents, architectural features, sometimes just architectural without a subject. Every house is architecture, even if very few houses in recent history have actually been designed by architects. When architectural is the adjective of choice it’s nice to see it in reference to a specific style, or, you know, in reference to an actual architect. Not this gibberish:

“This home has fantastic curb appeal with the homes amazing two-story architectural design contracted & built by local professionals. “

Translation: they added a second story and rather than have their brother-in-law do it, actually hired a contractor, or at least someone who has been paid to do something before. That’s it. That’s all. Are you amazed by the architectural design? I’m not, nor am I waiving inspection on this one.

“Curb appeal” is mentioned above too, which is a nice way of saying it’s not ugly, since that’s what the lack of curb appeal would imply. It also shows up here along with several other, uh, interesting choices:

* * * LIVE BEAUTIFULLY * * * Move-In Ready ”VINTAGE” 3 Bed, 2 Bath Home! Great Curb Appeal w/ NEW Exterior Paint. The Roof Is In Excellent Condition & In 7 Years Old. The Great Room Is Open & Has A Wood Burning Fireplace. The ”VINTAGE” Kitchen Is All Original And In Working Condition. Relax & Unwind In Your Private Backyard That Had A Recently Painted Covered Patio, Storage Shed, Block Walls All Around, Grass Area, And Mature Trees For Shade! This Beautiful Home In Ready Home Is A Must See!

I’m sure Weird Al’s head would explode if he saw that description. Aside from all the word crimes and it’s location in sought-after Ready Home, I was ready to assume that “VINTAGE” was quoted since it’s not really vintage, and probably just old but without any charm or value. That would be me assuming the writer was using the quotation marks correctly but why would I assume that when everything else in that description is a tire fire? Lo and behold, the kitchen (which is In Working Condition) is appropriately described as vintage:

At least it isn’t an “investor opportunity” in which a buyer is asked to “bring your imagination.” If you encounter the word “opportunity” or the phrase “just needs some TLC,” you may need some heavy equipment and a boatload of permits along with your imagination. And if the description mentions zoning in any way, you KNOW you need to bring a bulldozer.

Given the high property values and penchant for tearing houses down, There’s a particularly Californian subset to the above category, which I consider the identity crisis house. To wit:

“Opportunity abounds with this excellent xxx property! Take your pick on how to take advantage of what this special property offers – move right into this cozy home, add on for a larger living space, start over and rebuild.”

Do you want a house you can live in now? OK. Add on to it? Yep. Tear it down? Sure, if you want. Whatever you want to do, it’s fine! Poor house. Nobody is considering its feelings. Which is it, a house worth living in or a house ready to be put out to pasture? In movie parlance, it would be called a feathered fish. Try to be something for everyone and you end up being nothing for anyone. Pick a lane, folks.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write a description for this one:

I’ll bring my imagination.

About me: I am a licensed Realtor in the state of Oregon. For business inquiries I can be emailed at eli.cotham@eleetere.com or found on the web at eliknowsrealestate.com.