I really want a pool, and not just because the temperature in Portland now gets to eleventy billion or so degrees during the summer. My nostalgia kicks in hard when thinking about lazy summer afternoons in the pool, and I can see myself in full Dad Mode drinking a beer, manning the grill, and yelling at random kids (my own, others, ones whose names I don’t know and don’t care to learn) to stop running around the pool. I don’t need some fancy infinity pool or a herpes grotto, just your typical kidney-shaped backyard pool, the kind that when empty would make a skate ramp for surly teenagers in Reseda in 1979.
So what’s the problem, why can’t I have a pool? I’m worthy. I’ve got means. I’m a realtor and I see lots of houses, and on top of that we’re house hunting ourselves right now. The problem is that the Portland suburbs have a long way to go in catching up to the heat that they now experience, so there hasn’t previously been much desire for pool ownership and the maintenance that comes with. “Why all that for two months a year?” I’ve heard this. What if I told you that a bunch of crazy scientists think it’s only getting hotter, like everywhere? If Portland wasn’t built on a volcano and had more level backyards, there would be Boogie Nights pool parties on every block by next July.
It’s all making me think about every boring person’s favorite topic, the weather. At least it’s almost worth talking about here, and if you’re going to make the move up there’s stuff to know. First of all, Californians: Four Seasons is not just the name of a fancy hotel chain- it refers to the fact that in much of the country, including Portland, there are FOUR (4) different seasons. So let’s get to it. Might as well start with summer. Oh boy.
Summer does have its nice days, and when it’s nice it really is as good as it gets just about anywhere. But apparently it gets really hot here too. Who knew? Scientists? On days when it’s not almost literally the hottest place on earth, it might still hang in the 90’s. Or it could rattle off a few casual 100’s in a row like it’s me bowling. I don’t like it one bit. Oh and Oregon will catch fire good and proper just like California. Lots of mini apocalypses (apocali?) to get us ready for the real one.
Also, Oregon is better at naming their wildfires than California. Bootleg, Buzzard Complex, Lionshead- all better than Dixie, Camp, or Rim. Gavin Newsom would cruise through the recall election if he was running on a “give all wildfires badass names” platform.
But then there’s fall.
Now isn’t that pretty.
I used to think people with leaf blowers were assholes. GET A RAKE, LAZY. Not anymore, or at least I’d like to become one of those assholes. The picture above is two of the four trees in my backyard. All those leaves eventually hit the ground, and I swear they trucked in leaves from somewhere else and dumped those in my yard too. What I learned, after raking daily for a month and having leaf piles big enough to start the next inferno that takes out three western states, is to buy a leaf blower, maybe buy a leaf vacuum (didn’t know those existed), get a bunch of compostable bags to put them all in, and be ready. I don’t want to be stuffing the yard bin every Tuesday until April again.
What’s that you say, Californian? Why not just ask our guy to do it? I am the guy. People here tend to take care of their own stuff. I own a lawnmower AND an edger.
There’s winter, when it rains a lot, is gray every day, and rarely gets above 55 degrees. I like it well enough, it feels like living in a Simon and Garfunkel song. Occasionally (very occasionally, like once a decade or 100% of the winters that I’ve lived here), it does this:
That was a fun few days, sledding down the driveway and trudging in the snow to Safeway as I was afraid to drive in it. You can also head up to Mt. Hood for your fix, it’s only about 60 miles and the hotel from The Shining is there.
It does stay gray though. To avoid getting SAD, get yourself a lightbox or some vitamin D (not a euphemism) or visit a local tanning salon. There are plenty, someone’s going to sell sunlight when there isn’t any.
There’s spring, when it might be 50 and might be 75 and rains in bunches either way, and I’m told that in normal years lasts until around the 4th of July. Expect your allergies to reduce you to an itchy puddle of misery because there’s, you know, actual NATURE here. Among things I wish I had known beforehand: apparently if you eat local honey every day starting around February, it helps. Going to try that out. You also get these everywhere:
The cherry blossoms bloom, and Hood strawberries are ripe. For about a day and a half. Get them while you can, you can find them being sold by Girl Scouts in tents in parking lots or you can go pick them yourselves. They’re delicious and I had never even heard of them until I moved here.
Then we get back to summer, when it will be hotter than last summer. I need a pool. Meanwhile, let’s check in on Tigard High alum Kaitlin Olson, doing a sweet jackknife.
