Road Trip!

Hey buddy, wanna go for a ride in the car? Wanna? Get in! We’re going to Portland!

The 5. Or just 5, if you’re not in LA. It is one of the enduring mysteries why LA people (I refuse to say Angelenos) add “the” before freeway names. Somehow 101 is the 101 in LA but just 101 in San Francisco. There is some dubious historical reasoning behind it, which could explain it. I like to think that LA people want to attach some reverence to those hallowed byways that can carry your being from Hollywood to North Hollywood in under half an hour- on a good day- for some kind of spiritual reasons that only people from LA can understand. After all, what is Los Angeles without its precious freeways? They become part of your soul, for better or worse. There are surely people who have spent more time on the 405 than in their marriages.

Anyway, if you thought moving to Portland would exorcise your 5 and 405 demons forever, I’ve got bad news for you. Interstate 5, of course, goes through states. That’s the “inter” part, dummies. 405, in freeway-speak, just means it acts as a bypass to I-5, and wouldn’t ya know it but we’ve got a 405 here too. And Seattle, but this isn’t a Seattle blog. It’s not as bad here though, and also a lot shorter, and therefore much less likely to send you into a vortex of rage and despair.

Wait, was this post titled “Road Trip” for a reason? Yes, that is the plan. Whether you’re actually making the move up here or just taking a vacation, this helpful guide to the journey will be a helpful guide for your journey. We’ll start in Los Angeles, and if you’re lucky enough to be starting the drive from the Bay Area you can take a break for a bit and catch up with us around phase four.

Before we leave I should point out that while you don’t have to have a Subaru for this trip, it will allow you to arrive at your destination with a certain Portland elegance. If, however, you would prefer to wait to buy one once you’re in Oregon that’s alright, there are plenty and you won’t have to pay sales tax. Under no circumstances though are you to live in Portland and not own a Subaru.

Phase One

Leaving town. Any maroon can tell you to either leave early or leave late to avoid traffic, but it doesn’t matter tremendously heading north unless you’re the special kind of fool that chooses to do that at 5pm the day before Thanksgiving. The handful of miles before you hit the Grapevine are relatively easy. Then you hit the Grapevine.

For those unfamiliar, the Grapevine is the stretch of I-5 that goes through the Tehachapi Mountains for 60 miles or so. Your experience here will range from “this kind of sucks but I guess it’s not too bad” to “run that hose from the tailpipe right on in here so we can get this over with.” Either way, once you’re out of the Grapevine there’s some sweet relief, and also the realization that the trip is about 900 more miles. If you’re hungry at this point, there’s a Jack in the Box and a very crowded Denny’s at the bottom of the hill. Don’t do that to yourself yet, it’s too early in the trip.

Phase Two

The stretch. If you’re driving between LA and the Bay Area, seasoned travelers will know there are two routes you can take. If you want some scenery, you take the scenic route along 101 and 1 for a couple more hours added to the trip, plus you can go to Solvang for danishes. If you don’t care and just want to get there, you take I-5. We’re on Team 5, so now we’ve got a few hundred miles of this:

Feeding the world, agricultural center of California, driver of the state’s economy, yeah yeah yeah. It’s ugly and smells bad. Is the air quality terrible because of car emissions or is it cow emissions? Yes.

A tolerable enough spot to stop for a meal is Kettleman City, which is about halfway between LA and the Bay Area. It’s the Barstow of I-5. There’s an In ‘n Out. Since that line will be stupid long and it’s just In ‘n Out everyone, get over yourselves, who needs that stress when you’re vacationing in the Central Valley, we usually end up at Carl’s Jr. instead. It’s probably the only satisfying Carl’s Jr. experience you’ll have in your life, because that’s what happens when expectations are appropriately set.

Kettleman City also has something called Bravo Farms, which bills itself as the “2nd happiest place on earth”:

I’ve been to at least three or four places on earth that were less happy than Disneyland but more happy than Bravo Farms. Anyway, you can get a cheese basket and Christmas ornaments here.

A bit later up the road you’ll get to Harris Ranch which actually wasn’t that bad the couple times I’ve been, but for a nice steak dinner I’d prefer to wait until I don’t have a couple hundred more miles to drive. You can get steaks packed up in dry ice though, and those are some FRESH steaks. You’ll deduce that a few more miles up the road when it hits you. The smell. It’s quite pungent. Stings the nostrils. That’s what you get with thousands of sad cows packed in next to the freeway, just waiting to become frozen ribeyes crammed into the one tiny spot I kept open in the back of the Subaru for just this purpose.

Phase Two ends when you get to Santa Nella. Now when I say “Pea Soup Andersen’s” you may have foggy wistful memories of childhood road trips, and pea soup. I don’t because I don’t think I’ve ever set foot inside, either this one or the one near Santa Barbara. But maybe you did, and that’s just fine. Santa Nella has Andersen’s, and an In ‘n Out and a Starbucks. It’s also what I consider to be the last spot on the dreary part of the drive, even though it’s not really. There’s plenty more misery to come.

Phase Three

Windmills! The presence of windmills presumes that you’re traveling to or through the Bay Area on your way up. I’d advise it, I grew up there and it’s rather lovely. So lets pretend that we’re going through the East Bay rather than straight up 5, since that would take us through Stockton and nobody wants to do that. We’re now going through the Altamont Pass, it’s probably like 4pm and traffic is free and easy in our direction but miserable in the other, full of Bay Area commuters who were forced into living much too far from their jobs.

By the time you’re done with whatever Bay Area adventures you have, it’s on to Sacramento and back to I-5. Contrary to what some know-nothings will tell you, Sacramento is a good city and they would prefer you not refer to it as Excremento, thank you kindly. It’s got a river that goes right through town, which is kind of like Portland, and it routinely gets over 110 degrees in summer, which is kind of like Portland. Several people on my top 100 people list live in or around Sacramento, so that’s nice.

A little more about Sacramento since I like the place so dang much. The airport is easily better than many other California airports (and I’ve been to several, so I know what I’m talking about). It has Raley Field, home of the Sacramento River Cats, which is the AAA affiliate for the best team in baseball San Francisco Giants. It’s a lovely place to take in a game, and also where my brother once fought off someone in a wheelchair to get a foul ball. It’s the birthplace of the now-defunct Tower Records chain. Got a nice zoo. Most importantly though, Sacramento has this:

Phase Four

I haven’t put a tremendous amount of thought into how I’m phasing this trip. I figure that once you’ve left the cosmopolitan confines of Sacramento, it’s all Phase Four until you’re in Oregon. The last “major” city you’ll see is Redding, and I would only recommend stopping there if you want to load up on cheap booze at Costco before getting to Oregon, since cheap booze + Oregon results in an error message. You can also use up your last BevMo $10 off coupons here, since those are as good in Oregon as Itchy & Scratchy Money.

You’re now comfortably into the part of the drive that is both beautiful:

And not beautiful:

If you are attempting to lead a wingnut-free life and don’t care to know more about all that, go ahead and stay out of the know. You’ll feel better for it. Otherwise, read up.

The rest of what we’ll continue to call Phase Four features winding mountain passes, views of Shasta Lake and Mount Shasta, and the occasional barn with a former President’s name painted on the side. Not Obama, if you need a hint.

Phase Five

We’re in Ashland now, I guess. It’s the first city you’ll encounter on the Oregon side of the border, and it’s a charmer. Many will know it for the Shakespeare festival, or the quaint downtown area. I know it for the Wendy’s parking lot where we had lunch while road tripping because pandemic. I recommend the burgers, because they’re square.

Ashland is near Medford, which is not a charmer. They do have one of two In ‘n Outs in the whole state of Oregon though (but that’s about to change), so if you want to get in a drive-thru line that stretches back to California, here’s your shot.

There is a ton of great scenery throughout the rest of the drive. It is nowhere near as monotonous as the drive between LA and the Bay Area or LA and Vegas, which makes it an easier 300 or so miles than those other trips. Rivers all over the damn place. It’s also not as desolate, plenty of cities with their creature comforts along the way. That includes the Seven Feathers Casino, Oregon’s premiere gaming destination (source: them). I do regret to inform you though that the upcoming Larry the Cable Guy (with opening act COVID) shows are sold out. Tickets still available for 98 Degrees.

You’ll pass through Roseburg (there’s a Dutch Bros there right off the freeway) and Eugene (nice river). Albany has a Panera with a drive-thru (are you really going to eat clam chowder in a sourdough bowl in the car? I question your decision-making). Prior to Salem, you’ll see signs for Enchanted Forest. Now with me not having enjoyed a childhood in Oregon (not that I enjoyed it so much in California), I had no idea what this place is. But I’ll be damned, that looks enchanted as hell!

Once you’re done being enchanted it’s on to Salem, the state capital and frequent gathering place of angry white guys yelling about “mah freedom!” I’ve never stopped in Salem but one of these days I’ll go on a fifth-grade field trip to the Capitol building. As you’re leaving Salem, you’ll encounter the state’s other In ‘n Out, and soon you will reach…

Phase Six

Portland! Sort of. I’ll call it the Portland metro once you hit Wilsonville (FUN FACT: Wilsonville was named after their first postmaster Charles Wilson and not President Woodrow Wilson, which means they’re not going to have to rename the place unless they find out Charles Wilson was a huge racist too). Anyway, proceed directly to your destination, vow to fly next time, open the doors to let the funk out of your car, and sidle up somewhere for a decompression martini or two. I recommend this place. You’ve earned it.